Peace at Last

Since even before I met Jason, my life has been a bit of a bumpy ride. Some people know some of the bumps, some people know others. Probably only Jason knows all of them. There are probably three major areas that have been consistently tough for me over the past decade or so: a lack of "home", health challenges and overall lack of happiness. I know I am tempting fate by writing about the relative peace I have found, but Fate, if you're reading, I'd appreciate a break.
Let's see, my life fell apart around.....geez, I used to think I had it pinpointed, but through therapy I've figured out that it was always messy, it just got a lot messier around the time I went to high school. That's when I started moving around. I think we moved every year and while this wouldn't bother some people, I lost my feeling of having a home. I never felt like anywhere was my home, it always felt like it could get taken away so easily. Even when I got older and got my own place, because we rented, everything still had a feeling of temporariness (yes, I'm going to use that word) to it. We (Jason and I) lived in our apt in Chicago for 7 years and I was still plagued by the feeling that we shouldn't accumulate too much stuff because we should be prepared to pack and move at any time.
Around the time that we started moving around in high school is when my bipolar started to really show itself, although I've probably actively been this way forever. Bipolar disorder does some messed up things to your mind, man. Put that on top of other crazy stuff in your life and wow, well, it's amazing I came through it okay. One thing that bipolar does is make you super, super sensitive to criticism, and kind of paranoid about it too. I spent years sure that every day I was going to walk into work and get fired, even if my boss said I was doing a great job. I was also pretty sure that family members were talking about how stupid I was, how "bad" I was.....and then because I was SO SURE that they felt that way, or that I was going to get fired, I was in constant pain and fear. IT WAS EXHAUSTING. We can also say that my dad did a number on me growing up too, so paired with the bipolar, I was a MESS. For years and years and years.
So let's review. I was psychologically a disaster who felt a total sense of imperanence, which was NOT HELPED by Jason's dragging of the feet on the marriage thing. Other things were coming at me through the years that added to the pile - um, boyfriend going to rehab? 2 lawsuits against me before I'm 22 for things I didn't do or cause? PTSD anyone? Mystery disease it took 3 years to diagnose? Yeah, I had some stuff go on. It wasn't all in my brain chemicals. It was lots of years that I was unhappy. Miserable, in fact. Not like every day was horrible, but I was not happy with life in general. I've never felt like great things had to happen to make me happy - I never was one to say that I needed to win the lottery or become famous or, I don't even know, whatever people say. I just wanted some basic happiness within myself.
2010 has been a magical year. I have been stable on bipolar meds for well over a year and I am finally able to think straight. What a difference! I have also learned, and continue to learn, how to take care of myself and my bipolar in other ways, like eating certain foods, making sure I get enough rest and being careful about my stress level. The biggest and best thing that happened, though, was our house. I have been soooooooo happy since we got our house, I can't even begin to describe it. Well, and since our engagement, let's not ignore that! But mainly, the house.
The house is awesome and for that, I am of course soooooooo happy. It's big and thanks to gargantuan contributions we are able to make it beautiful beautiful beautiful. This is not what makes me so happy about the house. First and foremost, it is a permanent home. Yes, there is the danger in this world of foreclosure, etc, and yes we could always move, but other than that, this my home forever and ever and no landlord is going to tell me that I have to go. I did not expect that this would have such a powerful impact on my psyche, but it has brought me a peace like no other. I could order 1,000 address labels, and probably none would go to waste. Well, maybe that's an overestimation, but you get the point, right? Second, Jason and I each have space in our house to be together and be apart. For two people who are homebodies, this is muy importante. He can watch college football (ick) and I can cook or read or do anything and we can be in the same house. We didn't need a big house so much as we needed lots of little rooms on lots of levels. Third, we have outdoor space and I didn't realize how much I needed it. I can be at home but not indoors. While my yard is an insane amount of work, I can get up early on a Saturday and work for 6 hours on the yard without batting an eye. The sun, the quiet time to myself, the physical labor, all contributes to a calm I didn't expect. It is not because I like "gardening" - because I don't want to plant and grow things. I need the fresh air and the activity. It is good for my bipolar. The sun's vitamin-rich rays are very, very good for my bipolar. Even though I won't do the same labor in the winter, I LOVE snow and watching through our windows will be AWESOME.
I would like to have a meaningful close here, but truthfully, I'm feeling a little foolish having exposed myself here, so I'm going to say bon soir. I was going to make a joke about "peace out", but that'd be over the top, right?