Since even before I met Jason, my life has been a bit of a bumpy ride. Some people know some of the bumps, some people know others. Probably only Jason knows all of them. There are probably three major areas that have been consistently tough for me over the past decade or so: a lack of "home", health challenges and overall lack of happiness. I know I am tempting fate by writing about the relative peace I have found, but Fate, if you're reading, I'd appreciate a break.
Let's see, my life fell apart around.....geez, I used to think I had it pinpointed, but through therapy I've figured out that it was always messy, it just got a lot messier around the time I went to high school. That's when I started moving around. I think we moved every year and while this wouldn't bother some people, I lost my feeling of having a home. I never felt like anywhere was my home, it always felt like it could get taken away so easily. Even when I got older and got my own place, because we rented, everything still had a feeling of temporariness (yes, I'm going to use that word) to it. We (Jason and I) lived in our apt in Chicago for 7 years and I was still plagued by the feeling that we shouldn't accumulate too much stuff because we should be prepared to pack and move at any time.
Around the time that we started moving around in high school is when my bipolar started to really show itself, although I've probably actively been this way forever. Bipolar disorder does some messed up things to your mind, man. Put that on top of other crazy stuff in your life and wow, well, it's amazing I came through it okay. One thing that bipolar does is make you super, super sensitive to criticism, and kind of paranoid about it too. I spent years sure that every day I was going to walk into work and get fired, even if my boss said I was doing a great job. I was also pretty sure that family members were talking about how stupid I was, how "bad" I was.....and then because I was SO SURE that they felt that way, or that I was going to get fired, I was in constant pain and fear. IT WAS EXHAUSTING. We can also say that my dad did a number on me growing up too, so paired with the bipolar, I was a MESS. For years and years and years.
So let's review. I was psychologically a disaster who felt a total sense of imperanence, which was NOT HELPED by Jason's dragging of the feet on the marriage thing. Other things were coming at me through the years that added to the pile - um, boyfriend going to rehab? 2 lawsuits against me before I'm 22 for things I didn't do or cause? PTSD anyone? Mystery disease it took 3 years to diagnose? Yeah, I had some stuff go on. It wasn't all in my brain chemicals. It was lots of years that I was unhappy. Miserable, in fact. Not like every day was horrible, but I was not happy with life in general. I've never felt like great things had to happen to make me happy - I never was one to say that I needed to win the lottery or become famous or, I don't even know, whatever people say. I just wanted some basic happiness within myself.
2010 has been a magical year. I have been stable on bipolar meds for well over a year and I am finally able to think straight. What a difference! I have also learned, and continue to learn, how to take care of myself and my bipolar in other ways, like eating certain foods, making sure I get enough rest and being careful about my stress level. The biggest and best thing that happened, though, was our house. I have been soooooooo happy since we got our house, I can't even begin to describe it. Well, and since our engagement, let's not ignore that! But mainly, the house.
The house is awesome and for that, I am of course soooooooo happy. It's big and thanks to gargantuan contributions we are able to make it beautiful beautiful beautiful. This is not what makes me so happy about the house. First and foremost, it is a permanent home. Yes, there is the danger in this world of foreclosure, etc, and yes we could always move, but other than that, this my home forever and ever and no landlord is going to tell me that I have to go. I did not expect that this would have such a powerful impact on my psyche, but it has brought me a peace like no other. I could order 1,000 address labels, and probably none would go to waste. Well, maybe that's an overestimation, but you get the point, right? Second, Jason and I each have space in our house to be together and be apart. For two people who are homebodies, this is muy importante. He can watch college football (ick) and I can cook or read or do anything and we can be in the same house. We didn't need a big house so much as we needed lots of little rooms on lots of levels. Third, we have outdoor space and I didn't realize how much I needed it. I can be at home but not indoors. While my yard is an insane amount of work, I can get up early on a Saturday and work for 6 hours on the yard without batting an eye. The sun, the quiet time to myself, the physical labor, all contributes to a calm I didn't expect. It is not because I like "gardening" - because I don't want to plant and grow things. I need the fresh air and the activity. It is good for my bipolar. The sun's vitamin-rich rays are very, very good for my bipolar. Even though I won't do the same labor in the winter, I LOVE snow and watching through our windows will be AWESOME.
I would like to have a meaningful close here, but truthfully, I'm feeling a little foolish having exposed myself here, so I'm going to say bon soir. I was going to make a joke about "peace out", but that'd be over the top, right?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Call Me Mrs. Blandings
If you don't get that title, you should check out the movie "Mr. Blandings builds his Dream House." Wonderful film.
We're 4 months in to this house thing and we're making some slow progress. The siding is going up. It is not a big color change, but the house is no longer rotting!!! Here's a before (left) and after (right):
There is still so much to do. Here is one thing I am dying to get accomplished:
Our closet. Our bedroom closet has a closet fit for....well, definitely not for us. Here:
Teeny!! Pack it with some clothes and you can't even move in there! Plus, the door to the closet is in our bathroom. What happens, then, when Jason wants to "read" for an hour, but I want to get to my clothes? No, this closet will not work. We are building it out into our room for a bigger version and moving the door into the bedroom. In the meantime, our clothes are just in the boxes we packed 'em in and our bedroom looks like the day we moved in (with a new French door and some new windows of course :) :
People ask, "Are you all settled in to the new house?" I can only say "sort of" because I can't put away my clothes yet!!
Tough life, I know.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
LES PORTES FRANCAISES (FRENCH DOORS)
We have doors! The contractor finally started the big stuff!!
Let me tell you about our doors (no, it's not that interesting, I know). We have 5 sets of patio doors. They were all wood sliders, and due to the previous owner's lack of care, they were all rotted out. What a shame because at one time they were probably really nice doors. (I hate sliders so I would never have liked them, but I can still recognize a nice product.)
I was afraid the doors were going to fall out of the house before we replaced them! We couldn't even go in and out of them, so if I wanted to go to the backyard, I had to go out the front door and walk all the way around. Huge, huge pain.
So we ordered some french doors and today they went in! There still needs to be trim put around them on the inside, and of course we're re-siding, so there will be different trim on the outside too. They also seem to have come with these ugly goldish doorknobs which I don't think we ordered (?) so hopefully that will change too. But hey, for today, they are here, they work, and if you're reading this, please say it with me, hallelujah!
Here is a before and after of the kitchen door:
And one of the family room (aka Paul Bunyon room) doors:
And the other Paul Bunyon room door:
And the other Paul Bunyon room door:
Now that the doors are in, the siding and the windows can go in. Once that is done we can replace all of the carpet and then we can actually unpack!! Wouldn't that be a hoot!!
Monday, July 12, 2010
Can you see me over my soapbox?
Friends, I am conflicted. Here's the thing:
My job is best described as a social worker. My title is actually Employment Counselor and I work with clients who are on welfare. All people on family welfare are required to work with an Employment Counselor and have requirements they must meet as part of the federal government's welfare plan. I might just start another blog about welfare and poverty because this is probably not the right venue, but considering both Jason and I do this for a living, here it is. What you need to understand about people on welfare is that they are not on the system because they are lazy and don't want to work. In fact, almost all of my clients really, really, really want to work and many of them do. It's just that other stuff gets in the way. That's why it's easier to understand what I do as social work rather than Employment Counseling. For example, if you have a child who has serious mental illness such that the child can barely attend school/daycare but has not yet been properly medicated and you are needed to essentially be with the child or available to the child 24 hours/day, how are you supposed to work? Getting disability takes time, getting a PCA for the child takes time, getting the right diagnoses takes time, figuring out how to manage the stress for yourself takes time....and in the meantime there is welfare and your Employment Counselor. Other clients have somehow managed to make it through our public education system and no one noticed that their IQ falls into the MR (mental retardation) range such that they cannot complete a traditional GED nor hold a regular job. Yet here they are with a child and have been trying and trying to job search and get housing and whatnot and are stumped as to why everything is so hard. So before they can access the right services, there is welfare and their Employment Counselor to get their IQ tested and hook them up with Disability services. These are 2 examples and they are not uncommon. They are also reasons why people lose their housing (the apartment building doesn't want your "crazy kid" here anymore) and why people have trouble accessing services (it can be difficult to access food shelves when your IQ is in your way.) It is not uncommon for a client to have lost their job and their housing for simple reasons such as being on a waitlist for a mental health provider. Some days all I can do is listen.
My clients often cry in my office. They thank me for being supportive and sometimes tell me that I am the only one being supportive. One thing that my clients usually lack is a support system. Things are made a lot easier by a network of great friends, but if you don't have ANY friends, the really tough things my clients go through is that much more unmanageable. And many of my clients don't have ANY friends. Not one.
I think that my job is important. I listen. I encourage. I help navigate through resources. I teach my clients how to pick a doctor. I model good parenting skills. I report to child protection when necessary. I educate my clients on healthy habits. I educate clients about careers, education, and help them make vocational choices. I take clients to doctors appointments, food shelf appointments and anywhere else if it is needed, although this is not a part of my job description but something I do because it's important. I advocate for them if I need to, and try to teach them how to advocate for themselves, although sometimes if you're going through it you're too tired to do the work for yourself. I am good at this. I'm really, really good at this.
The downside is that this work does not pay very well. At the end of the day, I have done good work. I have contributed to the world. I think I have made a difference in my clients' lives. In Judaism, this is tikkun olam, in a sense, healing the world. It is fulfilling. It is challenging and intellectually stimulating. At the end of the day, I can pay my mortgage and buy groceries and buy gas.
At the end of the day, though, I do not get the material rewards that I grew up with and that others of our friends have. We do not drive nice cars and are, frankly, lucky to have the ones we do. We cannot travel. Even plane tickets home for the holidays are out of reach. What I make in a year is not that much more than what a year of high school for me cost - in 1995. We grew up so very privileged and have chosen a different life. Jason and I are still figuring this out.
Planning a wedding has brought out some conflict for me. The other day, I was discussing budgets with Jason's mom. I was at work and when I got off the phone, I went to talk to a coworker. We were discussing one of her clients who I had seen in the office the day before. The client has a HEARTBREAKING story and is quite challenging to work with. My coworker JSL said it had been difficult to see the client the previous day. I asked if it had been difficult because I knew they had needed to have a difficult conversation. JSL said no, it was difficult because she found out that the client and her 2 year old child had not eaten for 3 days. Remember how I mentioned that some clients don't have the IQ to navigate the resources they need? The local food shelf could not get the client in until the next morning. Our agency is not a food shelf, so we don't have supplies or money to give food to the client. Do you have any idea how much it hurts to send a client home, send their 2-yr old home, knowing they're that hungry and saying you'll see them tomorrow for their food shelf appointment? It is something like getting stabbed in the heart. Even though it wasn't my client, I could feel my co-worker's pain.
I went back to my office. For the rest of the day, my mind could not get around the fact that I move between two worlds - one where it is completely normal to spend tens of thousands of dollars on one evening's party (be it wedding, bar mitzvah, etc), and one where it is normal to see a client who hasn't eaten. Then I'm in the middle personally too - I come from a world where my friends' dads were CEOs and I'm pretty sure my first party as a baby was black-tie!! Now my friends are doctors and lawyers and here I am now, having traded my economic power for something different, and no longer fitting in to either world.
Neither Jason nor I think that we should forgo a wedding just because we happen to work with people in poverty. It's just - imagine if someone specialized in both oncology AND obstetrics. It would be confusing, no?
My job is best described as a social worker. My title is actually Employment Counselor and I work with clients who are on welfare. All people on family welfare are required to work with an Employment Counselor and have requirements they must meet as part of the federal government's welfare plan. I might just start another blog about welfare and poverty because this is probably not the right venue, but considering both Jason and I do this for a living, here it is. What you need to understand about people on welfare is that they are not on the system because they are lazy and don't want to work. In fact, almost all of my clients really, really, really want to work and many of them do. It's just that other stuff gets in the way. That's why it's easier to understand what I do as social work rather than Employment Counseling. For example, if you have a child who has serious mental illness such that the child can barely attend school/daycare but has not yet been properly medicated and you are needed to essentially be with the child or available to the child 24 hours/day, how are you supposed to work? Getting disability takes time, getting a PCA for the child takes time, getting the right diagnoses takes time, figuring out how to manage the stress for yourself takes time....and in the meantime there is welfare and your Employment Counselor. Other clients have somehow managed to make it through our public education system and no one noticed that their IQ falls into the MR (mental retardation) range such that they cannot complete a traditional GED nor hold a regular job. Yet here they are with a child and have been trying and trying to job search and get housing and whatnot and are stumped as to why everything is so hard. So before they can access the right services, there is welfare and their Employment Counselor to get their IQ tested and hook them up with Disability services. These are 2 examples and they are not uncommon. They are also reasons why people lose their housing (the apartment building doesn't want your "crazy kid" here anymore) and why people have trouble accessing services (it can be difficult to access food shelves when your IQ is in your way.) It is not uncommon for a client to have lost their job and their housing for simple reasons such as being on a waitlist for a mental health provider. Some days all I can do is listen.
My clients often cry in my office. They thank me for being supportive and sometimes tell me that I am the only one being supportive. One thing that my clients usually lack is a support system. Things are made a lot easier by a network of great friends, but if you don't have ANY friends, the really tough things my clients go through is that much more unmanageable. And many of my clients don't have ANY friends. Not one.
I think that my job is important. I listen. I encourage. I help navigate through resources. I teach my clients how to pick a doctor. I model good parenting skills. I report to child protection when necessary. I educate my clients on healthy habits. I educate clients about careers, education, and help them make vocational choices. I take clients to doctors appointments, food shelf appointments and anywhere else if it is needed, although this is not a part of my job description but something I do because it's important. I advocate for them if I need to, and try to teach them how to advocate for themselves, although sometimes if you're going through it you're too tired to do the work for yourself. I am good at this. I'm really, really good at this.
The downside is that this work does not pay very well. At the end of the day, I have done good work. I have contributed to the world. I think I have made a difference in my clients' lives. In Judaism, this is tikkun olam, in a sense, healing the world. It is fulfilling. It is challenging and intellectually stimulating. At the end of the day, I can pay my mortgage and buy groceries and buy gas.
At the end of the day, though, I do not get the material rewards that I grew up with and that others of our friends have. We do not drive nice cars and are, frankly, lucky to have the ones we do. We cannot travel. Even plane tickets home for the holidays are out of reach. What I make in a year is not that much more than what a year of high school for me cost - in 1995. We grew up so very privileged and have chosen a different life. Jason and I are still figuring this out.
Planning a wedding has brought out some conflict for me. The other day, I was discussing budgets with Jason's mom. I was at work and when I got off the phone, I went to talk to a coworker. We were discussing one of her clients who I had seen in the office the day before. The client has a HEARTBREAKING story and is quite challenging to work with. My coworker JSL said it had been difficult to see the client the previous day. I asked if it had been difficult because I knew they had needed to have a difficult conversation. JSL said no, it was difficult because she found out that the client and her 2 year old child had not eaten for 3 days. Remember how I mentioned that some clients don't have the IQ to navigate the resources they need? The local food shelf could not get the client in until the next morning. Our agency is not a food shelf, so we don't have supplies or money to give food to the client. Do you have any idea how much it hurts to send a client home, send their 2-yr old home, knowing they're that hungry and saying you'll see them tomorrow for their food shelf appointment? It is something like getting stabbed in the heart. Even though it wasn't my client, I could feel my co-worker's pain.
I went back to my office. For the rest of the day, my mind could not get around the fact that I move between two worlds - one where it is completely normal to spend tens of thousands of dollars on one evening's party (be it wedding, bar mitzvah, etc), and one where it is normal to see a client who hasn't eaten. Then I'm in the middle personally too - I come from a world where my friends' dads were CEOs and I'm pretty sure my first party as a baby was black-tie!! Now my friends are doctors and lawyers and here I am now, having traded my economic power for something different, and no longer fitting in to either world.
Neither Jason nor I think that we should forgo a wedding just because we happen to work with people in poverty. It's just - imagine if someone specialized in both oncology AND obstetrics. It would be confusing, no?
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Wedding Planning begins!
In my head, the wedding was already planned. Spoiler alert: rehearsal dinner was to be at Lou Malnati's. Pizza you say? Devon, that is so not like you. You see, we rarely see our friends, especially now that we live in MN. I haven't seen certain of J's friends in YEARS because women are not allowed at the Badger reunions (oh boys, how that is to change!!) All I really want is an opportunity to enjoy seeing everyone! Plus we can all enjoy pizza and for everyone who doubts that Chicago has the best pizza around - I just wanted to settle it once and for all. Secretly I also thought to myself - I am the BEST BRIDE EVER. A no-fuss rehearsal dinner that everyone can be comfortable at? A quick cab ride from wherever the reception site is? I had it figured out before I was engaged? I must be pretty awesome.
BUT NO! Lou Malnatis won't rent out the restaurant for the night. Jason and I still have our hearts set on catering Lou's pizza to another location. But now the drama of finding another location. Which will allow us to cater in our own food. And will be comfy. And fun. And Chicago-ey. Now I'm not the best bride, now I'm bridezilla-esque. I'm very mad at you, Lou Malnati's.
On to the venue. I had already picked out a great venue. I should mention that I have impeccable taste. I have such impeccable taste that I picked the most expensive place in Chicago!! After paying for the new house and all of its remodeling fun, the way Jason explained the desire to pay for the most expensive wedding venue in Chicago was "not so much". Again, here I thought I was the SUPER BESTEST BRIDE EVER because I had BAM! picked a venue in about 5 minutes. Thankfully Jason's mom is an amazing party planner and is touring Chicago looking for a venue. She is absolutely humoring my requests to one, not have the wedding at a museum or library, and two, to have a pretty skyline view.
On alternating days, the wedding planning is appealing and not. If I had my choice, for example, we'd serve beautiful, organic food, but venues have you use their catering which offers late-night snacks like mini-cheeseburgers. Jason also keeps trying to explain to me that there is room for excitement for more than one child; that just because his brother got married already doesn't mean we have to get married at a justice of the peace because no one will want to come to our wedding. As an only child, I really don't get that. If his parents celebrated one wedding already, how do they have any oomph for another one? The fun of a wedding has already been done! "Been there, done that" kind of thing. Ours is just perfunctory. (p.s. ditto with a grandchild - does one even care about other grandchildren? I don't get that.) Let's not mention my mom - she could care less! So today is one of those alternating days when I think, why bother? Why bother inviting people to eat mini-cheeseburgers that I hate? Tomorrow I could wake up and it could be different. I guess welcome to wedding planning?
BUT NO! Lou Malnatis won't rent out the restaurant for the night. Jason and I still have our hearts set on catering Lou's pizza to another location. But now the drama of finding another location. Which will allow us to cater in our own food. And will be comfy. And fun. And Chicago-ey. Now I'm not the best bride, now I'm bridezilla-esque. I'm very mad at you, Lou Malnati's.
On to the venue. I had already picked out a great venue. I should mention that I have impeccable taste. I have such impeccable taste that I picked the most expensive place in Chicago!! After paying for the new house and all of its remodeling fun, the way Jason explained the desire to pay for the most expensive wedding venue in Chicago was "not so much". Again, here I thought I was the SUPER BESTEST BRIDE EVER because I had BAM! picked a venue in about 5 minutes. Thankfully Jason's mom is an amazing party planner and is touring Chicago looking for a venue. She is absolutely humoring my requests to one, not have the wedding at a museum or library, and two, to have a pretty skyline view.
On alternating days, the wedding planning is appealing and not. If I had my choice, for example, we'd serve beautiful, organic food, but venues have you use their catering which offers late-night snacks like mini-cheeseburgers. Jason also keeps trying to explain to me that there is room for excitement for more than one child; that just because his brother got married already doesn't mean we have to get married at a justice of the peace because no one will want to come to our wedding. As an only child, I really don't get that. If his parents celebrated one wedding already, how do they have any oomph for another one? The fun of a wedding has already been done! "Been there, done that" kind of thing. Ours is just perfunctory. (p.s. ditto with a grandchild - does one even care about other grandchildren? I don't get that.) Let's not mention my mom - she could care less! So today is one of those alternating days when I think, why bother? Why bother inviting people to eat mini-cheeseburgers that I hate? Tomorrow I could wake up and it could be different. I guess welcome to wedding planning?
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
The Deck
Our poor, poor deck. We love the deck. We bought the house partially for the deck. Mind you, when we bought the house the deck was covered in snow. We could not tell that boards needed replacing, that the whole thing was peeling like the deck had a bad sunburn.
It starts here - on the side of the house. The sliding door you see there is the kitchen.
You can see it was long neglected.
Then there are steps that lead down to the patio that is outside the family room.
So far what I've learned about home ownership:
1.Every day there is a new something to learn about.
2.Nothing in and of itself is that hard, there's just a lot.
3.If I knew all of this stuff, I could save a lot of money.
4. Whoever buys this house after us is effing lucky.
It starts here - on the side of the house. The sliding door you see there is the kitchen.
You can see it was long neglected. It continues here. There is lots of built-in seating that will be great.
And you can see there is lots and lots of seating! Plus this great tree for kids to climb!
The back end wraps around to the back of the house. The first window on the left is the living room.
Then there are steps that lead down to the patio that is outside the family room.
So far what I've learned about home ownership:
1.Every day there is a new something to learn about.
2.Nothing in and of itself is that hard, there's just a lot.
3.If I knew all of this stuff, I could save a lot of money.
4. Whoever buys this house after us is effing lucky.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Yard Work
It's true - Jason has mowed the lawn!
Earlier in the evening of this picture, the secretary of the neighborhood homeowners' association had stopped by to introduce herself and to ask if I knew about the regulations on grass length. You see, we closed on the house on April 29th and while the lawnmower was bought that very first weekend....it wasn't used until June 8th! I can see why the neighbors were getting worried.
As it turns out, yard work is kind of fun. After a trying day the other day I came home and weeded the front of the house. That was the best stress reliever I've found in a long time!
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