Kermit taught me that it's good to be Green

I have always tried to be environmentally conscious because, you know, our Earth needs protection. I never quite understood, however, that in addition to protecting the Earth from garbage and chemicals and car emissions, I needed to protect ME from chemicals that would give me cancer and cause my (future) children to go into puberty early and interfere with my nervous system.

I have recently become AWARE and we have made some changes in our home already. There are a few major ingredients that I will no longer tolerate in personal products and I have found alternatives that even Jason will tolerate and that are affordable. (And yes, I walked around Target with a list in hand of what chemicals to avoid - I keep a list in my purse now.)

1. SUNSCREEN - Did you know that you should not use an SPF above 50? You should also avoid sunscreens that contain Retinyl palmitate (can cause skin cancer when used in the sun) and oxybenzone (disrupts hormone system and should never be used by a pregnant woman).

I went to Target to get some sunscreen and I had a really hard time finding one that met these three requirements. Burt's Bees came to the rescue with their sunscreen!!!

2. HAND WASH - So you know how we all love to do "antibacterial" this or that? Turns out that a lot of those antibacterial products use a chemical called triclosan or triclocarban. Not only is it toxic to the aquatic environment (!) but it disrupts thyroid function and reproductive hormones.

Recommendation: use hand wash that does not have this product - it's as simple as that!! Studies show that using hand wash that is not "antibacterial" is just as effective anyway.

3. HAIR PRODUCTS - This one was a biggie. See, sometimes I have the money to buy nice, expensive products like Aveda and sometimes I don't. Jason doesn't care, so he usually buys Suave, which I think is the cheapest you can buy. Recently I've been using Tresemme and I had to throw those bottles away as well as J's Suave........the major things to avoid in your shampoo:

PEGS, ceteareths and polyethylene

Parabens: propyl, isopropyl, butyl, isobutyl

DMDM hydantoin

Turns out, even products in the ORGANIC section at Target had some of these damaging chemicals in them, which proves the point that since we don't have any regulation on who can claim themselves as "organic" or "natural", we have companies that put just as much bad stuff in their products but claim to be good! Although I could have ordered something online, I wanted something right away, so at Target I found shampoo and conditioner from Nature's Gate that fit the bill. They also lather up much better than Tresemme ever did!!

4. OTHER PRODUCTS - You should definitely be avoiding Parabens, so out went my beloved Cetaphil cleanser and moisturizer which I have been using since I was, oh, ten years old. Turns out that it is basically ALL parabens. In came Alba facial cleanser and moisturizer.

If you have kids, a few tips:

avoid diaper cream that has boric acid

avoid baby wipes that have 2-Bromo-2-nitropropane-1, 3-diol (bronopol)

do not allow children under the age of 2 any access to fluoride toothpaste

If you want to check out how your products do in terms of health for you and healthy for the environment, check out the database at www.ewg.org/skindeep

You can also find lots and lots of information including more details on what I've already posted.

As it turns out, making these changes didn't change much in my home, except that I can be as sure as it is possible to be that I am using products that will not give me cancer. With SO MUCH LIFE ahead of me to lead, I will do everything I can to stay healthy and enjoy it!!

I'm Generally Not a Loser

Shortly after posting my blog yesterday, I got dressed to go to yoga, filled up my water bottle, grabbed my purse and got in my car. I fished around in my purse for my car keys. Hmm...they weren't there. If they're not in my purse, then they're on the hall table, so inside I went. No, not there either. If they're not on the hall table then they're on the dining room table. No, not there either.

4 hours later my car keys were still nowhere to be found. Not outside, not inside. I called Jason at work to check if he'd seen my keys. I checked Craig's List to see if someone mentioned having found keys and posted my own "Lost Keys" entry. Nothin'.

When was the last time I had my car keys? It was on Monday afternoon when I brought them into the garage to pop my trunk so I could load my trunk with brush to take to the yard waste site. Then I continued gardening for a few hours. I did not leave the house between that time and Tuesday afternoon when I wanted to leave for yoga. So........where did the keys go?

I do not lose things. Like the title says, generally I'm not a loser (of things). It happens to us all, of course, but I usually find the things I misplace. Not so with these car keys. Jason and I searched all night. And I searched all this morning too.

My best explanations are that I put them on the back of Jason's trunk when I was gardening and he drove off with them and they're gone. Or I left them in the yard/on the driveway and they were stolen or some animal made off with them. The last possibility is that they were stolen out of the garage while I was working in the yard (there have been a rash of burglaries out of garages in our area while people are mowing their lawns, I'm not just being dramatic.) No matter what happened, those suckers are gone.

Losing my keys makes me very, very sad. My keychain was a Richard Scarry keychain that was given to me by my dear friend BMann and I've gotten endless compliments on it. AND I LOVE RICHARD SCARRY AND IT WAS SOOOOO COOL. I am also very sad because I realized I lost them right after I posted a blog entry about how well I am managing my stress. And then THUD - big annoying thing in my lap. Karma????? Kind of a "hey, let's see how you do with this stress tough stuff??!!"

Losing car keys is only really annoying when you're me and you do not have a back-up set. Well, I thought I had a back-up set that I gave to Jason at one point, but so many things are still in boxes from the move that if I have a back-up set, they could be anywhere. No back-up set and I really, really need to use my car. You know, to go places.

It turns out that getting new car keys is easy, but annoying. I had to have my car TOWED to a Ford dealership to have keys cut because they have to make them using a computer while the key is in the ignition - apparently cars are very fancy these days. I did this and they even made me a new clicky remote thing too.

The bad news is that the whole shebang cost $434, right when we can least afford it. Well that'll teach me to work on the yard!!

The Day The Meds Went Away

For the three of you that read my blog, you may or may not know that I am bipolar. The diagnosis is bipolar 2, although that is only because they haven't officially put bipolar 3 and bipolar 4 in the DSM yet. (Not kidding.)

I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2008 when the world kind of collapsed around me and I couldn't even hold my job any longer. After playing around with some medication, I got on the right cocktail, which I have been on ever since. I also did talk therapy until about April 2009. It was a godsend.

Since 2009, I have worked REALLY HARD on my bipolar. I joined a support group for a while. Mostly, though, I have done a lot of work on things that support mental health and these have led me to a magical moment - living without medication!!

I decided to start tapering off of my medication before the wedding in preparation for getting pregnant. I, along with my psychiatrist, believe that even medications that are deemed "safe" during pregnancy do not belong anywhere near a developing fetus, and so I would not be on any of them while pregnant. I have no idea when we will start trying, if we ever do (children might be financially out of range for us), but I had to know what would happen if I were to be without meds before the issue came up. I had to experiment and have time to safely return to meds if things went wrong before we were committed to a pregnancy timeline.

It has been a tricky process. I have felt much better off my meds than I felt on them - and even Jason has noticed that I seem to be doing better without them than I was with them. On the other hand, I am more susceptible to the ill will of bipolar, so I am fighting the annoying impulsivity that it brings as well as a touch more tendency toward depression. But really, if I have to monitor myself a little more, it is so worth it not to have to fill prescriptions and see doctors and all that stuff. Not that I wouldn't return to it in a heartbeat if I needed it.....

How can I be without meds??? I really and truly believe that it is a combination of having "gotten my house in order" and following a certain lifestyle. First, I dealt with a lot of past garbage - a LOT of emotional stuff that had been weighing me down. Second, I resolved some things that were continuing to bother me - such as finally getting married, finally buying a house and finally getting to it on the whole grad school thing. Getting those items "dealt with" really, really moved me forward and I'm happy that they were "dealt with" in happy ways!!

The lifestyle change has been the biggest influence on my mental health and I recommend it to anyone who struggles not just with bipolar, but with any mental health issue:

1. Exercise - Research shows that exercise improves mental health and I can tell you that anecdotal evidence also supports this. As part of my regimen to cope with being bipolar, I have worked on various forms of exercise to figure out what works best. For me, it is anything involving the outdoors and anything mind/body. I do not enjoy the gym - to me it is sterile and I find it a little overwhelming. I have a really hard time with the gym smell - that combo of sweat and the spray to disinfect machines. Instead, I choose things that, like I said, are outdoors or mind/body related. This past winter I learned how to snowshoe (not that there's much to it, but still). Right now I'm loving an app on my phone that has me training for a 5K (couch to 5K) and I've found a yoga studio to make my home. When the gov't shutdown is over, I can learn how to use our 10,000 lakes in MN to canoe and kayak, both of which I love.

Exercise combines a few things that are essential to mental health. One, it gets all of the good chemicals going in the brain. Two, being outside is crazy important in order to get Vitamin D, which in our world these days we just don't get enough of, no matter how much fortified food we consume. Vitamin D is ESSENTIAL to our mental functioning and we can pretty much only get it from sunlight. This is why I try for as much outdoor activity as possible - when I soak up that Vitamin D, I feel sooooo good!

2. FOOD - The biggest and best change I ever made in my life was to my eating. When I can, which is not always possible if we're out of town or eating out, but in my home, I eat organic and whole foods. Removing the chemicals and pesticides from my diet has contributed to my mental health in ways I cannot describe. I actually feel BAD - like my emotions tank - when I eat food with artificial sweeteners or that is highly processed. One meal here or there I can handle, but if I consume too much in a row, I will become so emotional and irritable it is unbearable. Also, eating good, whole food provides me with nutrients that support bodily processes, which includes mental functioning. A lot of people who are dieting eat "diet food", which is filled with chemicals and artificial sweeteners, think they are doing well for their body, but it's just not good! I would much rather treat myself on occasion to a bite or piece of something involving natural food, even if it is a lot of calories, than to ice cream or jello that is "sugar-free" or "low-cal". I used to eat Skinny Cow products, for example.....my advice is don't do it!!!

3. SLEEP - Sleep is a vital component to our healthy functioning and it is essential to anyone who struggles with mental health. I now make sure that I am getting at least seven hours every night on a good routine. It is not something to sacrifice!

4. Choosing happiness - I have not had many models in my life of how to choose happiness. I have had models of people with regrets, people filled with "shoulds" who then "don't" and people who want to hide. My dad's favorite phrase was that life was a "shit sandwich". Really? cause it's not. Sometimes bad things happen - yes, yes they do - but often we are in control of what's going on and when we want different things, we can choose to change them. I choose things that make me happy, and not momentary happiness, but bigger happiness. I choose work that is gratifying and I have chosen grad school because work is no longer making me as happy as it once was and I need to continue to search for ways to be professionally fulfilled. I choose personal happiness by meeting new people and (hopefully) making new friends and working to strengthen my existing relationships, even if I have made mistakes in the past. In the every day, I will not be beaten by the little things, although sometimes they do beat me for a few minutes of tears ;) I refuse to let stress and circumstances rob me of the good life that I intend to have. Choosing happiness takes some work, but when you can be happy most days, in most minutes of most days, it is really, really worth it.

And so, here I am, almost med-free. I am healthier than I have ever been in my life. I work hard every day to make sure that my life is happy and meaningful. If I ever need to be back on medication, so be it. For today, I get to enjoy this freedom and this happiness. Happy 5th of July. I'm off to yoga.

Remembrances of the Day We Left

Wednesday, May 25th - The Day We Left

We had both worked that day. Me, I had a CRAZY day at work. Clients came out of the woodwork and I worked up a sweat just running back and forth from my desk to the copier. Fortunately I have this great boss who said whatever I didn't get done I could forward to her to be taken care of. You should all be so lucky to have my boss. For real.

The car came at 5:45.In Illinois, I have used the same car service (Amms) since I was born. Finding a car service here was slightly daunting - there are a good number of fly-by-nights and the airport doesn't "recommend" anyone, plus I was under the gun. So at 5:45 an SUV showed up when we had requested a town car. The driver was perfectly pleasant, but the car could have been in better shape and, frankly, smelled better.

We got to the airport and found that our flight was slightly delayed due to bad weather in Chicago. No problem - lots of time for dinner since we were starving!! We ate at Axel's Bonfire in the airport - totally worth the overpriced burger to just be able to relax.

Unfortunately, the small delay turned into a long delay which then turned into a cancellation!!! We got re-booked onto a flight for the next morning and then had to decide - stay in a hotel by the airport overnight or get a car home and then another car back to the airport in the morning??? Expensive proposition either way. BUT... We noticed that the United flight at the gate next to ours had de-planed, and overheard one of the passengers saying that they would be re-boarding in an hour. We had been told that there weren't any seats on that flight, but we asked anyway and actually got booked onto that flight!! If they ended up taking off, it would save us at least $100 in having to get a hotel or almost $200 to get transportation back and forth to our house for the night.

Like all things, we (and by "we" I mean Jason) didn't pull it off as smoothly as we should have.......

So they said they would be announcing in 25 minutes whether the plane would be taking off or not. We weren't going to be able to have our checked luggage from our previous flight come with us that night - it would have to be delivered by United the next day. In the meantime, it was sitting on a carousel in baggage claim for those who were taking a flight the next day to go pick up. Jason needed his glasses out of the luggage and decided to run down to baggage claim to grab them from his suitcase then come back to the gate. At this point it was 9:40pm and they would be announcing whether we would be taking off at 10pm. Jason's phone was out of juice, so he left it with me to charge at the gate and took my phone, and this way then we could also communicate in case there was a change. HOWEVER, Jason's phone is passcode protected, I DON'T KNOW THE CODE and HE DIDN'T TELL IT TO ME before he went down to baggage claim. So I sat at the gate, charging the phone, while Jason went down to baggage claim. Doo-to-doo. Hum-dee-dum. At 9:57pm, Jason was still not back. They announced at the gate that they would be boarding the plane! I let everyone board and Jason was STILL not back. At which point he called me and I said "Hey, they're boarding the plane and now we're not going to make it." Jason said "Ok, I'm almost there." The gate agent said "Is he coming?" I told her yes, he said he's almost here. So we waited. And waited. The gate agent smiling sadly at me with question mark eyebrows, me nervously waiting because I can't call Jason back because of his stupid passcode. It was a wonderful moment in my life. Finally, after having held the plane, the gate agent said "I'm sorry, we have to send the plane or we risk having to cancel the flight for the weather." I thanked the gate agents for their help and said I understood. They closed the door to the gate. At that point Jason came riding up in one of those carts and they opened the doors and let us on the plane. I'm sorry, let me rephrase. They let me on the plane and also let on a dripping with sweat, heaving Jason who had just run through the airport to get back. Jason is pretty sure this is karmic payback for having made fun of a short, squat man running through the airport a few hours earlier. Also because Jason's glasses were in our carry-on.

You would think that the flying drama ends there. No. We arrived at O'Hare and sat on the tarmac for 45 minutes. Why? Because no one responded to the pilot's call for someone to get the plane set up to deliver its passengers - a job done by someone called a ramper. I learned this because the pilot kept coming on and saying "We don't know how to explain why our calls for rampers are going unanswered."

Finally we made it to Jason's parents in Highland Park. I slept in workout clothes, which is all the clothes I had in my carry-on. Our luggage got delivered the next afternoon.

All in all, United Airlines went above and beyond to get us on their flight and then to hold the plane for Jason. I am definitely going to write them a letter thanking them and thanking the gate agent.

What was amazing about the airport experience? Traveling with a big, white garment bag that says "David's Bridal" on it gets you attention like no other. I got congratulations from everyone, stares from everyone we passed and I think that's why they held the plane in the end there. Amazing. I'm tempted to use that as my garment bag from now on!!!

Back In Action

It has been quite a while since I've posted anything. It has been busy!! Let me show you a little of my busyness:

Okay, there are only 2 shelves installed in this linen closet - but IIIIIIII installed them!!! Let me tell you - putting these in is not easy. The biggest challenge is that our linen closet is irregularly built, so the measurements are not standard to anything you can buy in a store. I had no choice but to use this wire shelving that I'm not the biggest fan of. Then, I had to cut it down to size. I DID NOT KNOW that they cut it for you in the store, so I was at home, with my hacksaw, whittling away at this metal shelving.....IT WAS NOT FUN. Multiple times I was about to call California Closets, but then I had to challenge myself - after everything we're doing to this house, surely I could save some money and put in the linen closet shelving, right? When I went to buy more shelves and found out they cut them in the store I almost cried with relief. But then they were cut too long. So then Jason had to take them back and have them re-cut. I am not the best at putting in these shelves, but eventually I will have a place to put away my linens, which is much better than the box they're in now. That they've been in since we moved May 2010. Before I was engaged!

PROJECT #2: THE TRIM

Determined to save even more money, I am painting all of the trim in the house myself instead of replacing it. Our trim is rough and dark - '80's dark and not pretty. It has been abused over the years. We did replace some trim when we replaced the floors in the dining room, so we thought we'd do all the trim and have everything match. Instead, I'm slowly painting everything white. It's hard to tell from the picture (this shows the view from the guest room through the guest dressing area to the guest bath), but the white really, really brightens up the house. Here is some more:

And yes - the shelves you see in the closet in the left picture, I put those in as well!!!

PROJECT #3: MASTER BATHROOM

Okay, it's not fair of me to claim any of this since I didn't do anything but live through the remodel, although if anyone thinks that shopping for vanities, sink tops and showers is easy, you're out of your mind. Although the bathroom has yet to be painted plus walls fixed from remodel and the lighting and mirrors need to be put in, we finally have our shower finished and have a vanity that doesn't make me cry. Here's the new vanity:

And finally our shower is finished. I listened to my soon-to-be-father-in-law and went with an easy-to-clean material rather than the tile that I had originally wanted. He was SOOOOO right. While it may not be the "luxurious" look I had been going for, I really appreciate the ability to get it clean quickly, and in fact am using the same material for the tubs in the other bathroom remodels. Bonus too - it's hypoallergenic. Here's a before and after: (well, almost before, in this before we had already boarded up the window):

Peace at Last

Since even before I met Jason, my life has been a bit of a bumpy ride. Some people know some of the bumps, some people know others. Probably only Jason knows all of them. There are probably three major areas that have been consistently tough for me over the past decade or so: a lack of "home", health challenges and overall lack of happiness. I know I am tempting fate by writing about the relative peace I have found, but Fate, if you're reading, I'd appreciate a break.
Let's see, my life fell apart around.....geez, I used to think I had it pinpointed, but through therapy I've figured out that it was always messy, it just got a lot messier around the time I went to high school. That's when I started moving around. I think we moved every year and while this wouldn't bother some people, I lost my feeling of having a home. I never felt like anywhere was my home, it always felt like it could get taken away so easily. Even when I got older and got my own place, because we rented, everything still had a feeling of temporariness (yes, I'm going to use that word) to it. We (Jason and I) lived in our apt in Chicago for 7 years and I was still plagued by the feeling that we shouldn't accumulate too much stuff because we should be prepared to pack and move at any time.
Around the time that we started moving around in high school is when my bipolar started to really show itself, although I've probably actively been this way forever. Bipolar disorder does some messed up things to your mind, man. Put that on top of other crazy stuff in your life and wow, well, it's amazing I came through it okay. One thing that bipolar does is make you super, super sensitive to criticism, and kind of paranoid about it too. I spent years sure that every day I was going to walk into work and get fired, even if my boss said I was doing a great job. I was also pretty sure that family members were talking about how stupid I was, how "bad" I was.....and then because I was SO SURE that they felt that way, or that I was going to get fired, I was in constant pain and fear. IT WAS EXHAUSTING. We can also say that my dad did a number on me growing up too, so paired with the bipolar, I was a MESS. For years and years and years.
So let's review. I was psychologically a disaster who felt a total sense of imperanence, which was NOT HELPED by Jason's dragging of the feet on the marriage thing. Other things were coming at me through the years that added to the pile - um, boyfriend going to rehab? 2 lawsuits against me before I'm 22 for things I didn't do or cause? PTSD anyone? Mystery disease it took 3 years to diagnose? Yeah, I had some stuff go on. It wasn't all in my brain chemicals. It was lots of years that I was unhappy. Miserable, in fact. Not like every day was horrible, but I was not happy with life in general. I've never felt like great things had to happen to make me happy - I never was one to say that I needed to win the lottery or become famous or, I don't even know, whatever people say. I just wanted some basic happiness within myself.
2010 has been a magical year. I have been stable on bipolar meds for well over a year and I am finally able to think straight. What a difference! I have also learned, and continue to learn, how to take care of myself and my bipolar in other ways, like eating certain foods, making sure I get enough rest and being careful about my stress level. The biggest and best thing that happened, though, was our house. I have been soooooooo happy since we got our house, I can't even begin to describe it. Well, and since our engagement, let's not ignore that! But mainly, the house.
The house is awesome and for that, I am of course soooooooo happy. It's big and thanks to gargantuan contributions we are able to make it beautiful beautiful beautiful. This is not what makes me so happy about the house. First and foremost, it is a permanent home. Yes, there is the danger in this world of foreclosure, etc, and yes we could always move, but other than that, this my home forever and ever and no landlord is going to tell me that I have to go. I did not expect that this would have such a powerful impact on my psyche, but it has brought me a peace like no other. I could order 1,000 address labels, and probably none would go to waste. Well, maybe that's an overestimation, but you get the point, right? Second, Jason and I each have space in our house to be together and be apart. For two people who are homebodies, this is muy importante. He can watch college football (ick) and I can cook or read or do anything and we can be in the same house. We didn't need a big house so much as we needed lots of little rooms on lots of levels. Third, we have outdoor space and I didn't realize how much I needed it. I can be at home but not indoors. While my yard is an insane amount of work, I can get up early on a Saturday and work for 6 hours on the yard without batting an eye. The sun, the quiet time to myself, the physical labor, all contributes to a calm I didn't expect. It is not because I like "gardening" - because I don't want to plant and grow things. I need the fresh air and the activity. It is good for my bipolar. The sun's vitamin-rich rays are very, very good for my bipolar. Even though I won't do the same labor in the winter, I LOVE snow and watching through our windows will be AWESOME.
I would like to have a meaningful close here, but truthfully, I'm feeling a little foolish having exposed myself here, so I'm going to say bon soir. I was going to make a joke about "peace out", but that'd be over the top, right?

Call Me Mrs. Blandings

If you don't get that title, you should check out the movie "Mr. Blandings builds his Dream House." Wonderful film.

We're 4 months in to this house thing and we're making some slow progress. The siding is going up. It is not a big color change, but the house is no longer rotting!!! Here's a before (left) and after (right):

There is still so much to do. Here is one thing I am dying to get accomplished:

Our closet. Our bedroom closet has a closet fit for....well, definitely not for us. Here:

Teeny!! Pack it with some clothes and you can't even move in there! Plus, the door to the closet is in our bathroom. What happens, then, when Jason wants to "read" for an hour, but I want to get to my clothes? No, this closet will not work. We are building it out into our room for a bigger version and moving the door into the bedroom. In the meantime, our clothes are just in the boxes we packed 'em in and our bedroom looks like the day we moved in (with a new French door and some new windows of course :) :

People ask, "Are you all settled in to the new house?" I can only say "sort of" because I can't put away my clothes yet!!

Tough life, I know.